Latent Aggressive Monster Unleashed!

The latent aggressive monster in me was unleashed this afternoon during a meeting to discuss a deal which places my company in an unfavourable position. I know I came across as rather aggressive and unwilling to give way but my points were not invalid.

Anyway I found out later that this sorry excuse of a man from PS complained to his boss that the way my colleague and I dealt with the situation was 'not very nice'. In the end, his boss mentioned it to my boss and my boss later told me to tone it down. It's crazy! We were not negotiating a peace deal! How nice did he expect me to be? It's a zero-sum game situation and he expects me to be generous and let him win the deal? Given the situation then, I don't see how I could remain meek and mild. Well, I guess I could. But that means the company would have come out of it worse off for sure.

I'm not upset that the negotiations did not go as cordially as hoped. However I must say that I despise that sorry and pathetic wimp (who should be wearing diapers rather than a pair of pants. No, I won't say he should be wearing skirts for that would be an insult to women!) who was unable to stand his ground with me and had to run crying to his boss. Why make it so personal? I understood that he was arguing for his company's interest as I was mine. If he can't take a fight, then go home and be a mummy's boy.

Friends

I had to force myself to get out of bed at 9 plus this morning to meet my friends. Even though I had been sleeping a lot the last few days, I still feel tired. Perhaps I'm too burnt-out to recuperate in a few days. I'm rather ashamed to say that I actually almost considered not turning up for the gathering. The problem lies not with the company but with me - I feel too down and drained to want to talk to anyone. But because 1 of them, A, will be leaving for London for good in a few weeks time, I decided that I should make the effort to meet up while we still have the chance. In the end, I'm glad I went. It's nice to catch up with old friends.

But I do feel kind of sad that A will be leaving for London to join her husband who's working there. Even though we do not see each other that often in Singapore due to our ridiculously busy lives, we do make the effort to meet up whenever we can. Soon, there will be 1 less person to have a nice meal with, to catch musicals & concerts, travel with...

I find that the older one gets, the more difficult it is to find friends who can hang out with you. I do not have many close friends in the first place. Not many people make it to my 'inner circle' of friends. And those whom I consider close friends are so tied down by work. When they are off work, they have to spend time with their special someone / family. Others have problems of their own to deal with and so unless they call me because they need to de-stress, I try not to add on to their stress by unloading all my problems on them. I guess I don't want to bother them unless I'm in really serious shit. And I think I have a high tolerance for shitty things - so I usually try to cope rather than call them. But A always makes the effort to meet for a meal - something I really appreciate. I will definitely miss her.

To work or not to work

For the last 3 days, I hardly touched the work I brought home. I was too tired to do anything but to watch the telly & sleep. I weighed the 2 options I have:

1. Work these few days and do not rest - that means I'll go back to work on Wednesday feeling exhausted
2. Do not work these few days - that means it'll be pay-back time when I go to work on Wednesday & hence I'll end up exhausted despite resting these few days

Sigh! Either way, I'll be exhausted. It's like choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea. In the end, I chose option 2 because the work I have with me is not urgent and because I will at least get a few days rest - better than nothing.

Lunar New Year

The shops were buzzing with activity even at about 10pm last night when I went to get dinner. Lots of people were at the market stocking up food for the next few days when the market probably wouldn't be open for the Lunar New Year. Even those shops that usually close by noon were still open for business. I guess there will always be last minute shoppers.

I remember I used to feel a little caught up in the festive mood seeing the place come alive during the Lunar New Year season. It felt good to see the place filled with a spirit of festive cheer maybe because it sort of made me feel alive? It's hard to explain but it used to give me a nice feel. However, as I walked through the crowd last night, I felt nothing but weariness.

Working Holiday?!

Unbelievable! I brought work home for to do for the Lunar New Year break! I wonder how long I can carry on like this.

Love at First Sight by Wislawa Szymborska

Both are convinced
that a sudden surge of emotion bound them together.
Beautiful is such a certainty,
but uncertainty is more beautiful.

Because they didn't know each other earlier, they suppose that
nothing was happening between them.
What of the streets, stairways and corridors
where they could have passed each other long ago?

I'd like to ask them
whether they remember - perhaps in a revolving door
ever being face to face?
an "excuse me" in a crowd
or a voice "wrong number" in the receiver.
But I know their answer:
no, they don't remember.

They'd be greatly astonished
to learn that for a long time
chance had been playing with them.

Not yet wholly ready
to transform into fate for them
it approached them, then backed off,
stood in their way
and, suppressing a giggle,
jumped to the side.

There were signs, signals:
but what of it if they were illegible.
Perhaps three years ago,
or last Tuesday
did a certain leaflet fly
from shoulder to shoulder?
There was something lost and picked up.
Who knows but what it was a ball
in the bushes of childhood.

There were doorknobs and bells
on which earlier
touch piled on touch.
Bags beside each other in the luggage room.
Perhaps they had the same dream on a certain night,
suddenly erased after waking.

Every beginning
is but a continuation,
and the book of events
is never more than half open.

Translated by Walter Whipple

Valentine's Day

Spent Valentine's Day working and alone. Been in a feel-sorry-for-myself mood lately. So it doesn't help to see lots of couples around while I head home alone to spend time alone. Darn! I don't even have a cat to go home to.

Another email I wanted to send...

Dear OB

I noticed that you have placed on my table a survey form completed by my client and you indicated that he has mis-spelt a word. Actually it is rather inconsequential because it will in no way affect our research findings. But I noticed that you have kindly cancel out his mistake and made the necessary amendment for him. Here's where I get a little confused... Since you have already made the amendment for him, should I still tell him to erase the amendment you made so that he can re-write it himself? But I'm afraid he might find it rather ridiculous and a total waste of his time if I arrange to meet him to tell him to erase that 1 word only to write the same word again. Please advise.

Wistful

Email I wanted to send

Here's an email I was so tempted to send to a co-worker but did not...

Dear OB

You scolded me for not updating a database for a VERY LONG TIME ever even though I told you I did update the database regularly. Nonetheless, I logged on to the database after you yelled me to my senses.

I have therefore ascertained that the VERY LONG TIME I did not update the database was in fact 1 day - last Friday - that was the only day I did not log on to the database.

I have also indicated that during the VERY LONG TIME of 1 DAY, there was nothing to update.

Thanks for the reminder even though I do understand that it was not part of your job scope to check whether I have updated the database or not. The next time I hear other co-workers complain that you are always playing computer games during office hours, I'll definitely tell them that you are no slacker for you even bothered to look into areas not under your purview.

To a great working relation ahead...

Wistful

P.S. Have fun playing computer games - I wish I have time to indulge in a 2-player game with you but I can't since I'm totally bogged down by work!

Tired

Last minute deadlines. Lots of fire-fighting. Crap from co-workers.

I'm so sick and tired of everything! Just want to throw everything aside and cry... give up everything. I'm tired. Almost too tired to carry on anymore.

Work, work, and more work

Something's wrong when

• you are thankful that you can knock off after working for only 9 hours
• you only get to eat 1 proper meal a day
• you spend about 13-14 hours in the office and have to continue working when you get home

Sigh! Today's the shortest work day I have had in a while and I get to take lunch AND dinner and I refuse to do any more work now that I'm home.